Terrible news, followers of Christ...
I have not spoken to or heard from our boy Christian in nearly a year now. I've kept it on the down low for awhile, but it's not fair to you guys that it remains a secret. He moved out of our apartment around the end of April 2023. He left with a man named "Katz" and I have heard nary a peep or meow from him since.
I'm big sad. Will update when I know more. If and when the time comes, I may transform this blog into something new entirely.
Imagine this:
I'm the guest on some obscene talk show
In a cell of moral compromise
The audience is made up of everyone that I have ever met in my entire life
Every sin I've ever committed is put up on display by screens hung around the stage
And we watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch
The host says "I now present to you an elaborate choreography of failure!"
The audience erupts with seemingly coordinated jets of jargon laughter
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shame on you!"
This is a story about the time Christian went to a college frat party with his best friend Monkey.
Christian and Monkey were bored one night and decided to sneak out of their house and go to a nearby college campus. They had heard that there was a big party going on at one of the frat houses and they wanted to see what it was like.
They arrived at the party and saw a lot of people drinking, dancing, and having fun. They also saw a lot of other animals, such as dogs, cats, hamsters, and even a snake.
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They decided to join in the fun and mingle with the crowd.Christian spotted a cute female cat across the room and decided to go talk to her.
He introduced himself and complimented her on her fur. She smiled and told him her name was Fluffy. They hit it off and started to flirt.
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Meanwhile, Monkey saw a group of guys playing beer pong and decided to join them. He was very good at throwing the ball and soon became the star of the game.
He also drank a lot of beer and started to feel tipsy.
Christian and Fluffy decided to go upstairs to find a more private place. They found an empty bedroom and locked the door behind them. They cuddled on the bed and started to kiss.
Monkey was having so much fun that he didn't notice that some of the guys were getting annoyed by him. They decided to prank him and put some laxatives in his beer.
Monkey drank it without noticing and soon felt a rumbling in his stomach.Christian and Fluffy were getting more intimate when they heard a loud noise outside.
They got up and looked out the window. They saw Monkey running out of the house, followed by a trail of poop.
He was chased by some angry frat boys who were yelling at him. Christian and Fluffy laughed at the sight and decided to help their friend.
They ran downstairs and out of the house. They found Monkey hiding behind a dumpster, covered in poop.
They helped him clean up and comforted him.They decided to leave the party and go back home. They had had enough excitement for one night.
They agreed that it was a crazy adventure, but also a lot of fun. They vowed to stay friends forever. The end.
Lana Del Rey
Did You Know There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd
One could say Christian is one of Del Rey's biggest fans. He particularly enjoyed the time he met her. As fate intended, they stayed in the same hotel back in 2015. Christ was on a business trip west of the Rockies. He ran into her on the elevator, gripping four luggage bags. She offered to help our little buddy carry them the rest of the way. Incredibly nice of her to be so kind to our little kitten.
Christ's Favorite Track:
A&W
The Review by Christ:
Lana Del Rey's ninth studio album "Did You Know There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd" is a stunning, deeply personal album about family and domesticity, and all of her questions surrounding them. It is produced by Del Rey herself along with Mike Hermosa, Jack Antonoff, Drew Erickson. The album has been described as bold and enthralling and her most soul-searching album yet. It has received positive reviews from critics, along with myself. This kitten gives Miss Rey's new album a solid...
10/10
!! NEWS ALERT !!
Christian just walked in the door from his annual Bahamas vacation!
He had a great time. The first day he was there, got hit with a hurricane. The next day, a tornado. But after that, it was party time! Let's go over his first official day of his vacation.
Day One:
The hotel concierge guided me on my way to paradise. His name was Jorge (pronounced whore-hey). He told me all about the islands, the brothels (oops! Did I say that out loud!? lmfao!), and where to pick up some strange. I headed to the active volcano sitting in the middle of the island to do some Instagram photo shoots. Little did I know, that's where I'd meet my main piece of strange for the trip.
Her name was Helga. My goodness she was making my whiskers tingle and my fur stood up like an Alice Cooper concert! Wow...I was blown away by the beauty she possessed. I asked her if she would come back to my hotel with me, to which she accepted my gracious offer of sex, drugs & music. Before we could "ride the lightning", Jorge stopped us in the lobby to discuss some of the raiding that's been happening lately. Apparently, the locals got wind of my scent. They knew how famous I was & sought to rob me. Jorge just wanted to make sure I was safe, so he showed me a map of the weapon caches scattered over the island. He said I was welcome to anything I could get my paws on to defend Helga. The password to each of the caches was 'LIMEINTHECOCONUT69'.
...we'll be back for an update on DAY 2 of Christian Catt's Vacation Trip to the Bahamas!
WëëWêêKëystêr Fest 2023
That's right folks. It's time to announce the worlds largest, most award winning music festival for 2023.
Long time members of the CAS will recognize and acknowledge that WëëWêêKĕystĕr Fest is second only to the Christian Appreciation Society Tour. In fact, some would argue that in some aspects, WëëWêêKĕystĕr edges out our eponymous tour. Let's look at some testimonials:
"The merchandise was fucking mental. I got a G-string with Monkey's face on it."
- Roger Honey
"Really clean facilities. Good tasting water."
- Kris Krissy
"I found out that there was a meet & greet for VIP members of the CAS moments before the festival ended. I signed up (it was super quick and easy) & got to shake Monkey's hand."
- J. K. Bowling
"Everyone in the crowd got free samples of Gene Schwartz' 'Jean Butter©'. Now I can divorce my third wife in style."
-Terry Tiffany
"I met my best friend at WëëWêêKĕystĕr back in '72."
- Yvonne Berryjuice
Even though it's only February, the Christian Appreciation Society always gets an early start for our favorite holiday...
IF YOU'RE GETTING HALLOWEEN SUPPLIES, YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO...