A Hollywood Dream...⭐

"My first movie was RoboCat: Destroyer of Hate"

One of the things Christian brings up every Chrimbus is how he landed the lead role in RoboCat: Destroyer of Hate. It's quite the story & he wanted to share it with our LOYAL fanbase. 

The following is a memoir from Christian, his exact words. 

It all started back when I was hanging around with them Landry brothers out in west Utah, finding our way through this canvas of a world, painting our murals of life & pissing in beer bottles like fine American men.

"...them Landry brothers..."

Them Landry boys really know how to make a cat purr. One time we were out of money & Gerard's old Ford Ranger was runnin' on fumes, I had an idea to get us some quick cheddar. I told Harold Sphincter's sister, Cinderellis, she had to hike up the ol' hiking pants and show some ankle. She slapped me harder than a chinchilla getting in bed with a hamster! I couldn't believe it!

Anyways, I heard from a local drifter that there were some dang acting auditions for the new Dove Men commercial, set to be aired the following Tuesdee. Auditions were being held at John Depp's penthouse later that day. Anywho, I put my spurs on, untangled my matted fur, slicked back the ears & powdered my nose. I began what was unbeknownst to me a magical dang ride for the ages, a memory to tell my grandkittens.

Here's where it gets a little hairbally; there was this one boy we was riding with, no one liked him & quite frankly never took kind to his smug face. Maverick Williams. That bastard. A real fuckin' piece of work, as my grandaddy Jerry would have put it. Well, Mav (that was the nickname we gave him) thought it'd be a real swell idea to try out for the acting gig too. That boy can't act for a goats fart! And he's a Maine Coon pussy to boot! Never trusted them cats with their M tattooed like some damn billboard on their foreheads.

"...my grandaddy Jerry..."

Well, Mav just had to beat me to the audition. Fucking scumbag. I get there & see his ugly mug talking with John Depp like they're long time friends. I see John laughing hysterically, can hardly catch his breath listening to the lies that bitch was purring in his ear. I heard my name come out of the cunts mouth, & that's when I knew it was time for Mav to meet his maker. I walked straight up to him, tapped him on the tail & as he turned to lock eyes, I cold clocked him, Mike Tyson'd his ass! I had fire in my eyes for the bastard, and John Depp could tell. He met my outstretched trembling paw, shook it, and offered me the role for RoboCat: Destroyer of Hate right then and there. I could hardly believe it!

I'm sure some of you have that burning question on your mind: "Christian, how did you get that little scar around your nose?" Well, it ain't darn tootin' pretty, but that Maverick Williams came back 20 years later, showed up at my lakehouse with a sharpened claw. His words to me were: "I have waited lifetimes for this opportunity. I haven't clipped my nails since the day you embarrassed me at J.D.s crib. Goodbye ye bastard!" He slashed out with all his little might (he was only 3lbs but built like an ox) & gave me a good gash. I was in shock. I reached into my pants & whipped out the piece. My trusty rusty, I called it. A fully automatic .308 Winchester hunting pistol, squeezed that trigger & ripped him in half. I didn't stop shootin' til the boy was erased from existence. RIP Mav (Rest in Pieces!)

"...fully automatic .308 Winchester..."

 

 Now THAT is a story I was not prepared for. I shit myself about halfway through, and I have yet to clean it up! 

RoboCat: Destroyer of Hate released by Purramount Pictures, directed by Jimmy 'The Gun' Gunn, produced by John Depp, 1998