This is a banger of a story
I wasn't prepared for this incredible tale...
...and I guarantee you aren't either.
I present to you...
The Trials And Tribulations of a Big Cat In A Little World
Transcript by Christian
Narrated by Christian
Translation by Christian
John Hopkins University
2004
During my time as an understudy, I met some of the coolest people. I also met some of the worst. Among the latter came drugs, sex, booze, you name it. As a bachelor at the time, I had a roommate named Gary Kilgore. We called him Harry because, well, he was a hairy, mangy cat. He had an eyepatch on both eyes, no tail like me, and a bad attitude to boot. I can't even front though, my man Harry Gary always brought home the baddest bitches (yes, I mean dogs) & had a connection to some crackhead on 5th Ave. He would have a different concoction of pills, weed, LSD, you name it, every single night.
"Ay, C, we getting fucked up tonight bruh, take a line of this!"
"Just put it under your tongue and let that shit dissolve, feel the grass."
"Come on C, it's just a little weezy F, quit trippin' and start drippin' my brotha."
The amount of drugs I consumed nightly would have sent any pussy to the vet, no doubt! Well, this one time, Harry brought home this 'new' stuff, saying it was fresh out of the lab. He hadn't even tried it yet. If I could describe what it looked like, picture a sea urchin ground up like some 93/7 lean beef. Now, neither of us knew how to take it. I suggested parachuting it, he suggested putting it in an eye dropper. Faced with a kittenkaboodle of a situation we made the smart choice and called up the main homie from Calc II, L-Ron Hub.
Mans came walkin' in with 4 bitches, no more no less, hangin' off the dudes nutsack. L-Ron was known to be kind of a dick. Looking back on it, not sure why we meowed for him in the first place! Anyways, bro told us he had taken it before. He called it 'Lurch'. According to him the politically correct way of ingesting Lurch was to cover it in cat litter and scratch at it until we felt something. I broke out the ScoopDad 3000 Litter Box, filled that ish with the finest Tidy Cats money could buy. I packed the Lurch in deep. Me and the homies start going ape shit while the bitches looked on in disbelief. Post trip they said we actually transformed into humans. From our POV we were still kitty cats, but twice the size! Wow!
I knew something didn't feel right but I really didn't want to be the pansy of the group, especially in front of the hottest dog on campus, Katriaiyanna. So I sucked it up until I couldn't stand it anymore. It felt like we kept growing. We were standing still the whole time. Mind you, this was a 24 hour trip we drove down on.
I remember looking over at Deshawnus, our one roommate that was never home, and he just said things like "Damn!" and "Skeet!" and "Hubbabaloo!". They didn't make sense to me at the time but later on I realized he was speaking some ancient code. This is where it get absolutely insane...
All at the same time, we jumped and landed paws down, and the dean of JH heard us inside when he was walking by. The door buzzer starts going off, right? It sent us into a wild trance. I remember everything was flashing red, then green, then blue, then yellow, repeating for hours and hours.
I woke up the next day to find out that whole time, I had been writing down my thesis for [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. I thought it was horse shit, but with it being due that very morning, I rushed to Dean Ambros' office and laid the pipe on some strange, if you catch my drift.
My thesis was so good, scientists and medical professionals alike flocked to me for my very first book deal. We published it, and it became a NY Times bestseller for 3 years straight.
We were only able to catch a few pieces of media from that intense night.
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