😲 NEWS ALERT😲
Christians Uncle Martin is in town!
Now, this could be good news, it could be bad news. It all depends on Unc's mood. That's what Christian calls him. Unc. To be honest, I don't like him. He's a pompous prick. But Christian is family to me, so I'll tolerate it.
Christian absolutely adores him. Whenever he comes in from his fisherman's shack down in the bayous of Florida, he always brings Christian his 'Catch o' the Day'. Usually prawn, clam's casino or unshucked oysters. One time he brought a 2lb lobster. Big freaking whoop. Might as well have gone to Red Lobster!
So, we had to pick up ol' Marty McFly from the airport. Can you guess the first thing he says to me?
"I got you a bumper sticker, boy."
Look at this piece of shit he gave me.
He made me put it on my Ford F150 right there and then. I'm not even a woman! And I knew he was a stupid person, but I didn't know he was a misogynist too. Wow!
So after that whole debacle, Christian was laughing the whole time, he puts me in a chokehold and starts rubbing my head with his oversized, stinky fisherman's hands.
"Say Uncle and I'll quit!"
Nope. Not doing it.
"It's only going to get worse for you. I know you're balding but you're about to be scalped if you don't say Uncle!"
It really hurts. He's such a dick. So, I'm sitting there with tears in my eyes now because he hurt my last feeling & my head was on fire.
I can't let him win.
"Say Uncle, you little shit!"
Now he's pissed. Most people give in by now. I'm going to stand my ground and show him I'm better than that.
...and then, an idea came to mind.
What if I threaten to blurt out his secret? That'll get him to stop.
Secret? What secret? Oh boy. This one goes back years. Back when I first met Christian at the horse racino in Wichita, Kansas. The year was 1994. I was placing my bet on Jack & Sally's Big Apple. $5000 if she came in first. Little did I know, Jack was actually Unc. Christian was in line behind me when I was placing my bet. He told me it was a good bet. He really knows a lot about horses. He tells me his Uncle bred Big Apple in a laboratory. Used all sorts of special chemicals and enhancements that were highly illegal in horse racing. Anyways, later that day, Christian and I became best friends. We go to Unc's afterparty to celebrate Big Apple coming in 1st place.
I'm drunk. Christian is drunk. Unc is drunk, high & whatever else he could be. The three of us were sitting there when Christian tells Unc that he told me all about Big Apple and how he was illegally bred.
It's like a switch flipped in Unc. He went from chill to ill. He snatches me up by the collar of my turtleneck, lifts me up to his eye level (he is 6'11") and says if I ever tell anyone about Big Apple, my days were numbered.
So, back to the circus. 6 hours have passed. I literally have a pile of my hair on the floor. I'm bleeding. I think he dug in so deep I went blind in my right eye. I had warned him hours earlier that I would do it. I could feel my sinuses being destroyed, so I was losing patience.
"BIG APPLE WAS A SCAM! YOU RAN AN ILLEGAL HORSE BETTING RING, AND PLACED YOUR LAB GROWN HORSE IN FIRST PLACE IN EVERY RACE! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FRAUD!"
He released his grip. I fell to my knees in relief. I look over at Christian, he looks concerned. I assure him everything is alright. Now I look at Unc. He's looking at his hands with a shocked look on his face. He's crying. His entire body lit in flames, spontaneously combusted right there in the middle of baggage claim 2A.
So. Unc is dead. RIP you fake! You fraud!
Details on the funeral soon.
RIP Uncle Jeremiah 'Unc' Martin.
1939 - 2023.
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