Even though it's only February, the Christian Appreciation Society always gets an early start for our favorite holiday...
IF YOU'RE GETTING HALLOWEEN SUPPLIES, YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO...
Tuesday, February 14, 2023
Friday, February 10, 2023
Say Uncle! Say Uncle!
😲 NEWS ALERT😲
Christians Uncle Martin is in town!
Now, this could be good news, it could be bad news. It all depends on Unc's mood. That's what Christian calls him. Unc. To be honest, I don't like him. He's a pompous prick. But Christian is family to me, so I'll tolerate it.
Christian absolutely adores him. Whenever he comes in from his fisherman's shack down in the bayous of Florida, he always brings Christian his 'Catch o' the Day'. Usually prawn, clam's casino or unshucked oysters. One time he brought a 2lb lobster. Big freaking whoop. Might as well have gone to Red Lobster!
So, we had to pick up ol' Marty McFly from the airport. Can you guess the first thing he says to me?
"I got you a bumper sticker, boy."
Look at this piece of shit he gave me.
He made me put it on my Ford F150 right there and then. I'm not even a woman! And I knew he was a stupid person, but I didn't know he was a misogynist too. Wow!
So after that whole debacle, Christian was laughing the whole time, he puts me in a chokehold and starts rubbing my head with his oversized, stinky fisherman's hands.
"Say Uncle and I'll quit!"
Nope. Not doing it.
"It's only going to get worse for you. I know you're balding but you're about to be scalped if you don't say Uncle!"
It really hurts. He's such a dick. So, I'm sitting there with tears in my eyes now because he hurt my last feeling & my head was on fire.
I can't let him win.
"Say Uncle, you little shit!"
Now he's pissed. Most people give in by now. I'm going to stand my ground and show him I'm better than that.
...and then, an idea came to mind.
What if I threaten to blurt out his secret? That'll get him to stop.
Secret? What secret? Oh boy. This one goes back years. Back when I first met Christian at the horse racino in Wichita, Kansas. The year was 1994. I was placing my bet on Jack & Sally's Big Apple. $5000 if she came in first. Little did I know, Jack was actually Unc. Christian was in line behind me when I was placing my bet. He told me it was a good bet. He really knows a lot about horses. He tells me his Uncle bred Big Apple in a laboratory. Used all sorts of special chemicals and enhancements that were highly illegal in horse racing. Anyways, later that day, Christian and I became best friends. We go to Unc's afterparty to celebrate Big Apple coming in 1st place.
I'm drunk. Christian is drunk. Unc is drunk, high & whatever else he could be. The three of us were sitting there when Christian tells Unc that he told me all about Big Apple and how he was illegally bred.
It's like a switch flipped in Unc. He went from chill to ill. He snatches me up by the collar of my turtleneck, lifts me up to his eye level (he is 6'11") and says if I ever tell anyone about Big Apple, my days were numbered.
So, back to the circus. 6 hours have passed. I literally have a pile of my hair on the floor. I'm bleeding. I think he dug in so deep I went blind in my right eye. I had warned him hours earlier that I would do it. I could feel my sinuses being destroyed, so I was losing patience.
"BIG APPLE WAS A SCAM! YOU RAN AN ILLEGAL HORSE BETTING RING, AND PLACED YOUR LAB GROWN HORSE IN FIRST PLACE IN EVERY RACE! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FRAUD!"
He released his grip. I fell to my knees in relief. I look over at Christian, he looks concerned. I assure him everything is alright. Now I look at Unc. He's looking at his hands with a shocked look on his face. He's crying. His entire body lit in flames, spontaneously combusted right there in the middle of baggage claim 2A.
So. Unc is dead. RIP you fake! You fraud!
Details on the funeral soon.
RIP Uncle Jeremiah 'Unc' Martin.
1939 - 2023.
Monday, February 6, 2023
A Day in the Life of Christian
Hey folks! Just a quick post before we hit the hay.
Christians lifestyle is very strict. He follows a daily routine without any variation. So I thought it would be cool to question Christian over what his day consists of. Here we go!
1.) I wake up at 3am or 5am, depending on what I got accomplished the day before. This is non-negotiable.
2.) I proceed to "grab a shower" by licking myself obnoxiously for 15 minutes.
3.) Immediately following the prior step, I begin to whine as loud as possible to be fed. For some reason, I am constantly hungry.
4.) After I am fed by the chef of my household, I ask nicely for snack. I usually don't get it, but if I try hard enough J will slip me a Marlboro Red Cigarette & an iced Americano.
5.) Laptop time. I hop on to check all my financials, statistics, spreadsheets, upcoming business meetings, p0rn, blah blah blah.
6.) Nap #1 after I take a shit.
7.) At this point I'm deep in a little baby kitten dream, and it always gets cut short! Here comes one of my roommates stomping around like they have things to do. Wakes me up everytime.
7.) Nap #2 after I take a shit.
8.) Bedtime. I get in my pajamas. I really like my Family Guy swishy pants. They have Brian on them, he's so freaking hot! Brain if you see this, call me.
Rinse and repeat!
P.S. - I don't like orange juice. See the video below if you don't believe me.
Wednesday, February 1, 2023
Christian Catt - Pagan Shaman or Deity?
Christian is a big fan of different religions.
Back in the day he met a pagan shaman in the Amazonian Rainforest.
This shaman taught him how to incarnate "the black flame of old".
I'm sure you're asking: What is the black flame of old?
Allow Christian to explain in this epic tale.
Pictured: Oto Tum in his traditional shaman garb, Christian lounging.
I decided when I turned 18 I was going to explore the world. Big cat, big dreams, right?
My first destination was the Amazon. I told my parents I would join the French army upon my return from the gas station to get cigarettes. Clearly a lie. I fled. A turncloak through and through.
I called up Monkey, asked if she was interested in tagging along. Of course she was. I picked her up in my 1967 Chevelle and the rest was history.
Except, it wasn't. Problems, as usual, started happening almost immediately. I got a call on my cellular device from my Aunty Tristian. She was blabbin' on and on about how she was just at the DMV and they couldn't renew her license because she was 'rude'. Well, Aunty T, you are a rude bitch. I couldn't take the drama at that moment, Monkey and I were just starting to get jazzed up about our Amazon adventure. I hung up on her ass faster than a UFO be comin' and goin'. She wouldn't stop calling me back though, so I had to block her number. Monkey was getting worried that she would start calling her because she used to babysit Monkey way back when, and had her number. I told her not to worry. She's crazy as hell, but not crazy enough to get on Monkeys bad side! That's a side I wouldn't want my worst enemy to see!
So we hit the freeway. It's going to be a long drive so I turned up the tunes. To get in the mood I played Africa by Toto. Unbeknownst to me Monkey HATED that song and band. Said she dated David Paich (the keyboardist of the group) in high school and he was just a total jerk. Well, screw him! We'll change the tunes. Depeche Mode it is. She was chill about that.
About a week later, we arrived. Having no GPS back then, we solely relied on old maps and directions from vagabonds. Got turned around in Peru, drove back into Ecuador, finally making it to our destination. The literal rainforest. My Chevelle couldn't take it anymore. We poured the remaining gas we had all over the car and had ourselves a bonfire that night.
That's when it started.
As the fire started simmering down, we started hearing yipppp and yapppp and yerpppp left, right and center. They were all around us. I gestured for Monkey to grab the glock from the glove compartme...oh shit! We torched the car! Now we're defenseless in a foreign land. Great. I picked up the branch to my left...seemed sharp enough to impale soft flesh. Monkey pulled out her Kershaw pocket knife...how could I forget she had that thang?
Quick sidenote: you guys know where the 'you know I keep that mf thang on me' meme originated? Monkey was the first to do it.
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Back to the story. We had our weapons. We had our pride. Whatever these animals were, they were about to be skewered and roasted for dinner, we were hungry!
YIPPPP! YAPPPP! YERPPPP!
It was deafening now. I covered my ears in fear my little baby kitten eardrums would explode. Then I saw the lead yipppp'r come out of the woods. He was a tout man. Broad shoulders but no neck. Medium build. I could tell he was of the common folk, at best. A peasant at first glance. Low life. Scum. Trash. Filth.
Boy was I wrong. He raised his hand and all the yipppp and yapppp and yerpppp'ing stopped. He spoke but a few words. They were:
"I'm Oto Tum of the Drip Drap tribe. Do you want to know the black flame?"
I said yes. Monkey said yes. We ate and drank for days. I learned how to dance. Monkey learned how to play the cello. Oto Tum...I miss you greatly!
The black flame, turns out to be, another saying for smoke. They have some good shit over there. So good in fact, that I have no clue how I ended up back home! Monkey contacted me a year later. She was still with the Drip Drap tribe, having the time of her life. You go girl!
THE END
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