Christian is a big fan of different religions.
Back in the day he met a pagan shaman in the Amazonian Rainforest.
This shaman taught him how to incarnate "the black flame of old".
I'm sure you're asking: What is the black flame of old?
Allow Christian to explain in this epic tale.
Pictured: Oto Tum in his traditional shaman garb, Christian lounging.
I decided when I turned 18 I was going to explore the world. Big cat, big dreams, right?
My first destination was the Amazon. I told my parents I would join the French army upon my return from the gas station to get cigarettes. Clearly a lie. I fled. A turncloak through and through.
I called up Monkey, asked if she was interested in tagging along. Of course she was. I picked her up in my 1967 Chevelle and the rest was history.
Except, it wasn't. Problems, as usual, started happening almost immediately. I got a call on my cellular device from my Aunty Tristian. She was blabbin' on and on about how she was just at the DMV and they couldn't renew her license because she was 'rude'. Well, Aunty T, you are a rude bitch. I couldn't take the drama at that moment, Monkey and I were just starting to get jazzed up about our Amazon adventure. I hung up on her ass faster than a UFO be comin' and goin'. She wouldn't stop calling me back though, so I had to block her number. Monkey was getting worried that she would start calling her because she used to babysit Monkey way back when, and had her number. I told her not to worry. She's crazy as hell, but not crazy enough to get on Monkeys bad side! That's a side I wouldn't want my worst enemy to see!
So we hit the freeway. It's going to be a long drive so I turned up the tunes. To get in the mood I played Africa by Toto. Unbeknownst to me Monkey HATED that song and band. Said she dated David Paich (the keyboardist of the group) in high school and he was just a total jerk. Well, screw him! We'll change the tunes. Depeche Mode it is. She was chill about that.
About a week later, we arrived. Having no GPS back then, we solely relied on old maps and directions from vagabonds. Got turned around in Peru, drove back into Ecuador, finally making it to our destination. The literal rainforest. My Chevelle couldn't take it anymore. We poured the remaining gas we had all over the car and had ourselves a bonfire that night.
That's when it started.
As the fire started simmering down, we started hearing yipppp and yapppp and yerpppp left, right and center. They were all around us. I gestured for Monkey to grab the glock from the glove compartme...oh shit! We torched the car! Now we're defenseless in a foreign land. Great. I picked up the branch to my left...seemed sharp enough to impale soft flesh. Monkey pulled out her Kershaw pocket knife...how could I forget she had that thang?
Quick sidenote: you guys know where the 'you know I keep that mf thang on me' meme originated? Monkey was the first to do it.
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Back to the story. We had our weapons. We had our pride. Whatever these animals were, they were about to be skewered and roasted for dinner, we were hungry!
YIPPPP! YAPPPP! YERPPPP!
It was deafening now. I covered my ears in fear my little baby kitten eardrums would explode. Then I saw the lead yipppp'r come out of the woods. He was a tout man. Broad shoulders but no neck. Medium build. I could tell he was of the common folk, at best. A peasant at first glance. Low life. Scum. Trash. Filth.
Boy was I wrong. He raised his hand and all the yipppp and yapppp and yerpppp'ing stopped. He spoke but a few words. They were:
"I'm Oto Tum of the Drip Drap tribe. Do you want to know the black flame?"
I said yes. Monkey said yes. We ate and drank for days. I learned how to dance. Monkey learned how to play the cello. Oto Tum...I miss you greatly!
The black flame, turns out to be, another saying for smoke. They have some good shit over there. So good in fact, that I have no clue how I ended up back home! Monkey contacted me a year later. She was still with the Drip Drap tribe, having the time of her life. You go girl!
THE END
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